Psychologist Miami, Ft. Lauderdale (954) 234-0622

On Being More Accurate (right) Then Your Partner

This will be a short note. I notice that when couples or family members fight many times one party may be more “accurate” about whatever is being discussed. That does not entitle one to bulldoze over the other EVEN IF one is “right”. Of course, as with most things in life, there are exceptions to this. What matters more is HOW one talks or argues such as tone of voice (crucial) and pace of speech, facial expression, etc. This is what people generally refer to as the “vibe” or feeling tone.

As a quick aside, most psychologists or other mental health clinicians believe fights are frequently about something other then what is being discussed. That’s another topic. Getting back to what I was saying, we all get caught up in the content and avoid looking at the process. For example, when someone is disagreeing or fighting some people have the look or sound of contempt for the other, or try to bully the other, which results in the other shutting down emotionally. Others may discount what the other says vs. respecting the other’s position EVEN IF the other is not accurate or right. As with other aspects of life we all do some of these things to some extent. What is crucial is how frequent and intense these behaviors occur.

I borrow the next thought from a very smart couples researcher and clinician named Dr. John Gottman. He said all good relationships have problems that will never be resolved. They just accept that and work around those issues. It helps to keep perspective. Also, remember it’s OK to agree to disagree.

Finally it pays to ask yourself “do I want to win, or do I want to have a loving relationship. There are many times when it’s better to overlook things. Knowing when, or how often is part of the art of living.

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Thoughts on Therapy

Some thoughts and observations from my experiences as a therapist over the past 30 years.

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